Day Four’s writing101 topic is about loss- something or something you have lost, how it made you feel and how you are now without it. I wrote a post this morning on the train again, though this time I spent a lot longer on it, approx 45 mins of writing. Ironically for this task I then lost it.
I was writing the post on my phone in the WordPress app, changed the post to a draft and pressed save- it registered as saved but perhaps I clicked out too soon or maybe it wasn’t connected to the Internet properly at the time but it has unfortunately disappeared. As for how I feel now, I’m pretty gutted because I put a lot of myself in to that post. It’s always frustrating to lose something that you’ve created- not just annoying about the time now wasted but it’s so hard, often pretty much impossible to make it again in just the same way!
Talking about losing something or someone is never particularly easy. Rather than a person or belonging, I chose to write about less of a tangible object and more of a ‘thing’- a loss of direction. I explained how when I was at secondary school I was always in the art department making, doodling, painting, but that I wasn’t sure if being forced to create everyday by doing an art degree was for me. Instead I chose to study psychology, and while I enjoyed it and the insights it brought, I struggled a lot with home sickness, a lack of feeling like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and other personal issues. Because I am stubborn, I refused to give up and I competed the degree, and I’m proud of myself for that! But the counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy side of psychology that I am most interested in are careers I would only want to come back to once I have more life experience, to feel I could give the roles a better shot and be the best I could be.
As I don’t want to be a psychologist as such (at least not yet) finishing my degree has left me with a multitude of choices- and I’ve had a lot of difficulty figuring out quite what I want to or should do next, which has been very upsetting and frustrating at times. Suffering from a lack of direction or sense of belonging can leave you feeling pretty lost.
However, in the words of Baz Luhrman- Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)- ‘Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t’.
I’m slowly learning that it’s ok not to have a specific end goal, as long as your goal is to keep trying and improving. It’s not the destination but the journey that counts and it’s ok to start on that journey without knowing where you’ll end up. Maybe that’s actually part of the fun of it.
Joy Being Creative 