Contrasting An Introvert’s Facets

I started writing a dialogue here between myself and myself; almost like an internal dialogue. It was about being somewhat of an introvert and the difficulties that brings, but I’m finding it’s really hard to explain what that means to me without coming across sounding like I’m really lazy, or that I don’t like my friends! Being a bit introverted doesn’t mean I only think about myself (as the psychologist Carl Jung originally seems to have suggested), or that I am super shy or depressed. It’s very difficult to explain to other people how sometimes I just need some alone time or recuperation by just being on my own without feeling like I am offending them. It’s a very strange feeling to have, but knowing that it is really just simply being a bit introverted helps.

As a brief modern day explanation, the gifted kids websites has a definition I agree with: ‘Basically, an introvert is a person who is energized by being alone and whose energy is drained by being around other people’.  You can read more here, but that pretty much explains it.

I also thought this post on Lifehack.org was rather accurate!

It all means that I love my friends, and I love being with them, but sometimes I would prefer to not do anything and just be alone. I love working with other people, but I wouldn’t mind working from home sometimes (though not all the time- that can get a bit lonely). It means that sometimes I have to try really hard to not create some kind of excuse not to see friends, even though I have a good time with them. Sometimes if someone cancels on me I am secretly relieved, even though I had made plans around seeing them (which can be quite useful when you have flaky friends!). I realise it sounds like I just don’t like my friends, but I can assure you this is not the case!

It’s not always like this; if I have made plans a while ago, e.g. a few days or weeks ago I find it a lot easier to stick to them- I think that’s my organisational streak coming out. I do have a good time at gatherings, particularly if its something like a picnic or bbq with lots of people that I can observe and listen to and play games with. Games are often particularly good because it puts all the attention on what we are doing rather than on the conversation. I find it quite difficult to have small talk conversations with people I don’t know very well. I wonder if part of it is because I am with people all day when I am at work; I know that when I come home I usually need some alone time. Perhaps it’s also why I feel like I sometimes prefer to express myself in writing over speaking in person- I can take my time and think about what it is I actually want to say. Although I can talk a lot if I am comfortable with someone… or very nervous! It’s really all quite odd, but it’s a thought provoking topic I feel; not so much the contract between extroverts and introverts, but more the contrast between the different aspects of an introvert’s personality. It’s also worth noting that every introvert is not the same, and we all have different parts of us that we may identify with as being more introverted than others.

 

Losing Direction (and a Blog Post!)

Day Four’s writing101 topic is about loss- something or something you have lost, how it made you feel and how you are now without it. I wrote a post this morning on the train again, though this time I spent a lot longer on it, approx 45 mins of writing. Ironically for this task I then lost it.

I was writing the post on my phone in the WordPress app, changed the post to a draft and pressed save- it registered as saved but perhaps I clicked out too soon or maybe it wasn’t connected to the Internet properly at the time but it has unfortunately disappeared. As for how I feel now, I’m pretty gutted because I put a lot of myself in to that post. It’s always frustrating to lose something that you’ve created- not just annoying about the time now wasted but it’s so hard, often pretty much impossible to make it again in just the same way! 

Talking about losing something or someone is never particularly easy. Rather than a person or belonging, I chose to write about less of a tangible object and more of a ‘thing’- a loss of direction. I explained how when I was at secondary school I was always in the art department making, doodling, painting, but that I wasn’t sure if being forced to create everyday by doing an art degree was for me. Instead I chose to study psychology, and while I enjoyed it and the insights it brought, I struggled a lot with home sickness, a lack of feeling like I was doing what I was supposed to be doing and other personal issues. Because I am stubborn, I refused to give up and I competed the degree, and I’m proud of myself for that! But the counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy side of psychology that I am most interested in are careers I would only want to come back to once I have more life experience, to feel I could give the roles a better shot and be the best I could be. 

As I don’t want to be a psychologist as such (at least not yet) finishing my degree has left me with a multitude of choices- and I’ve had a lot of difficulty figuring out quite what I want to or should do next, which has been very upsetting and frustrating at times. Suffering from a lack of direction or sense of belonging can leave you feeling pretty lost. 

However, in the words of Baz Luhrman- Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen)- ‘Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t’. 

I’m slowly learning that it’s ok not to have a specific end goal, as long as your goal is to keep trying and improving. It’s not the destination but the journey that counts and it’s ok to start on that journey without knowing where you’ll end up. Maybe that’s actually part of the fun of it.